Goldine the Gossipfish
by Ninstation X
Summary: There's a new character who can't seem to keep her nose in her own business.
1. The Birth

-At Sonic Team Headquarters-

"Gah! I'm so tired of making up these complicated background stories every time we make a new game," moaned the Head Director. "And we always have to make new characters to explain what's going on!"

"We do have to have _some_ reason Eggman is attacking again though," said Crew Member A.

"Wait," said Crew Member B. "What if we make a new character that always knows what's going on? Then we won't need to make up overly complicated, puzzle-like storylines, and Sonic would just go to that character and get the low-down then proceed on to just beating up Eggman."

"That's a great idea!" said the Head Director.

("Did he not realize that we're making a new character to explain what's going on yet again?") thought Crew Member A.

-- Sonic Adventure 43

"What's Eggman up to this time?" said Sonic, after his first boss battle.

"Eggman is trying to use animals to pollute the soil so vegetation can no longer grow. The populace will then be deprived of veggie goodness, thus too weak to retaliate when he tries to overthrow the earth," answered Goldine the Gossipfish.

"I've got to stop him!" said Sonic.

--

"That was great," said the Head Director. "We'll never have to make a new character again with this Goldine around."

"Why wasn't your wife home last night?" asked Goldine.

"W-what?" replied the Head Director.

"I did not see your spouse in your bed with you last night."

"She was at a meeting…"

"For the whole night?" questioned Goldine.

"Get out," said the Head Director.

"Is that what you said to your wife? Was that why she wasn't home last night?"

-Security arrived and threw Goldine out-

The Head Director sobbed. "Ciiiiiiiiinnnnnnnndddddyyyyyy!!!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE!!!!!"

The Crew Members pondered whether they should console him. They didn't.

END


	2. About Goldine the Gossipfish

Goldine is a goldfish with extra large, red lips.

She lives in a goldfish bowl, and she knows what you're doing.

She knows who you've talked too.

She knows things about you that you've never cared to know yourself.

When most people see Goldine on the streets, they run. Then she criticizes their running style so the victim ends up walking. Only to have their walking style criticized and then turning into a fetal position. Thinking they've escaped her wrath, the person relaxes. That's when Goldine gets closer and starts to talk about said person's family life. The person usually breaks down about this point.


	3. Random Gossip

"Mom, where's Dad?" asked Cream.

Vanilla smiled anxiously. "He's still away on a trip, Sweetie."

A Goldfish suddenly appeared.

"Really now?" said Goldine. "I could have sworn he's still in the hospital from carrot overdosing."

Cream and Vanilla cried.

Goldine documented the conversation in her palm pilot.

-- Shadow

"Why did you attack the children, Shadow?" asked the Psychiatrist.

"Well, attacking the elderly got boring after a while, while the children can try to escape faster which makes them more fun to catch and punch," responded Shadow.

"Was it necessary to escort the battered children home and then graphically explain to their parents how you beat their children?"

"The answer is yes," said Shadow.

"I thought you were a neutral character?" asked the Psychiatrist.

"Off and on," responded Shadow.

The sound of water dripping was heard.

"So you beat up innocent children, Shadz?" said a voice.

Shadow looked around. "Am I gonna have to shoot you, Voice?"

The voice disappeared.

("I'm not touching that one,") thought Goldine, fearing her life.

-- Sonic

"Thanks for letting me stay at your house 'til my fur grows back, Tails," said a naked Sonic, sitting at the kitchen table.

"No problem, Sonic," Tails smiled.

"I never knew my family passed down a spontaneous shedding trait," sighed Sonic. "At least nobody else will find out."

There was a knock at the front door.

"I'll get it," said Tails.

Wait, Tails!" said Sonic trying to cover up.

Tails opened the door, and various cameramen and news reporters rushed into the kitchen where Sonic was.

Goldine appeared in the kitchen sink. "Sonic, the media found out about your shedding problem _somehow_, and they were anxious to hear the story from your mouth. I knew you were shy about your condition so I led them here to give you confidence."

Hundreds of camera clicks and flashing lights occurred.

"How will this affect your relationship with Amy Rose?" asked one reporter.

"Which headline do you prefer: 'Sonic, the nudest thing alive' or 'bottoms up, reproductive organs out'?" asked another reporter.

Sonic turned red with fury and embarrassment.

"He's going to evolve!" said a Pokemon fan.

-- Amy Rose

"These furless newspaper pictures of Sonikku are soooo adorable," Amy said while hanging them on the wall with care.

All around the room there were thousands of Sonic pictures. Ones developed by Sonic Team. Ones photoshopped with Amy now in them. Ones of Sonic recolored and called a different character.

"What an interesting room theme you have," said Goldine.

"How'd you get in here?" asked Amy.

"All that matters is I've alerted the insane asylum of your _collection_, and they say you've met the prerequisite for being locked up."

Amy reddened and took out her hammer. "I'm not insane!!!"

Men in white came in and bagged Amy. They took her away.

"I'd like to believe I just made the world a little safer," said Goldine.

-- Omochao

"Time to find out how to beat the new Sonic game," said Omochao while sitting at a desk. He got out a laptop. G.o.o.g.l.e.c.o.m. ...okay, and I'm here."

Omochao stared at the computer screen. "Hmm..what to search for?...how about 'Sonic Rivals 3 tips.'" After the search. "IGN says you 'push the X button to jump.' Better remember that."

Water fell onto the keys. A goldfish bowl soon fell onto the keys as well. "So...you get your advice from searching google, huh?" Goldine smiled.

Omochao panicked, "Uh no, I...uh...just.."

"It seems if this is how you do your job...then maybe Sonic Team should just have a floating google sign telling Sonic characters what to do in the games."

"Please don't tell! I'll never do this again! I promise!!" begged Omochao.

"Unfortunately, Goldine dot com has already received this information and is working as we speak. Ta Ta," Goldine said then vanished.

END

The phone rang. Omochao gulped and picked it up.

"What am I paying you for?!" screamed the Head Director. "Google's getting your next pay check."


	4. Recruiting an Army

-- Knuckles

"Master Emerald. Master Emerald," said Knuckles.

"Hello, Sweetie," Goldine said with a wicked smile.

"Master Emerald. Master Emerald."

"Heeey, I'm talking to you," said Goldine.

("Master Emerald. Master Emerald,") thought Knuckles.

"HEY RED!" yelled Goldine.

"Huh, wha...emerald?" said Knuckles. He noticed Goldine, "Fish can talk now?"

"I also can swallow a whole walrus," said Goldine, "but that's not the point. The point is you need to work for me, Knuckles."

"Are you the Master Emerald?" asked Knuckles.

Goldine glanced at the Master Emerald on Knuckles's right. ("Does this guy have a thought process?") Goldine responded, "Yes!"

"Okay then, Master Emerald," said Knuckles. "I love you."

"Knuckles, I need your strength," said Goldine.

("I don't get how the Master Emerald turned into a fish,") thought Knuckles. ("I better not think about it too hard.")

"Listen, Knuckles," said Goldine. "I'll need you to _persuade_ some special people to come to my fishlair."

"I can break stuff," said Knuckles, "like rocks...or rocks."

"Just roundup the people I tell you to, and bring them to my fishlair!"

"Where is that?"

-At the dumpster behind McDonald's-

"Okay," said Knuckles, holding up a pile of various people in his hand. "I brought the people you asked for." He dropped them.

"Good," said Goldine smiling evilly, "now get me a Mcfish. Your Master Emerald commands it!"

"Right away, Master Emerald," said Knuckles as he went into McDonald's.

"Why are we here?!" said a woman from the pile. "Is this because I prefer Hardees?!"

Goldine smirked. "You shall all be my subordinates. You will all gather gossip from every person under you. That is why I have selected you all, since you're all bosses and executives."

"I don't listen to fish," said Bob from marketing.

"Well, Bob," said Goldine, "then would you listen to a 3-page essay that would be read on the 5 'O clock news talking about your issue with clowns?"

"What?!" Bob said nervously.

"It would be a shame if your employees or competitors found out you break down with the tiniest bit of clownage..."

"No, don't air it!" screamed Bob as he sobbed.

"Then you shall work for me," smiled Goldine.

"I won't," said Betty, chief of the Police Department.

"Gambling addictions plus husband finding out equals a lonely Betty," said Goldine.

Betty backed down.

"I know everything about all of you," announced Goldine. "From Ted's 'How to be a Girly Girl' magazines..."

Ted gulped.

"To Rachel's unusual _taste_ for cats," finished Goldine.

("In my world, cat-eaters aren't frowned upon,") thought Rachel.

"I'm scared," said Ronald McDonald.

"I would be too if I was the spokesman for McDonald's yet preferred Rally's," said Goldine. "Now to get down to business. You shall all report back here daily. You will find out the potential gossip of your subordinates, and threaten them with it. You shall then return here with them as your captives, and the circle will grow."

"HEY! What are you all doing out here!?" yelled a McDonald's worker.

"Yikes!" said Goldine. "Scatter!"

END

"It's all coming together," said Goldine, hidden in the dumpster. "Bwahaha...where's my McFish!?"


	5. About Goldine: Entry II

They say Goldine's only weakness is what she doesn't know.

But if Goldine knows all gossip, what kind of person can have none?


	6. The Great Gossipy Fear

-1 month later-

-A goldfish bowl rolled down the streets of Station Square-

People panicked and screamed things such as

"Goldine is coming!! Hide your gossip."

"He's just a friend. You don't got no evidence!"

Goldine had now recruited a big army. She had more gossip known than what was previously thought possible. Goldine had single-handedly (or _fin_dedly?) turned everyone into gossip-fearing and gossip-hungry beasts. Practically everyone was a part of her army, and the people of the World turned against each other (more than usual) due to gossiping about one another.

Goldine increased in size and now filled half of her goldfish bowl. The question was, why? Was she feeding off the gossip? Or did she have one too-many McFish sandwiches?

-Elsewhere-

"My fur finally grew back," said Sonic.

Tails ran into the kitchen crying. "They found out why I have two tails! I can never show my face in public again!!"

"I'm fast," said Sonic.

Tails glared at Sonic.

-Elsewhere elsewhere-

"**I'M NOT INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!**" yelled Amy, who was now in a straitjacket.

--

Goldine's influence grew. By the end of the year, the United States and Canada were under the palm of her hand...fin.

If Sonic wasn't too busy being 'carefree' then maybe he would have noticed.

END

"Once I control the entire world through gossip, _it_ will begin!" laughed Goldine. "It's funny because I know what _it_ is, but you don't."


	7. A Battle with an Egg

-- Eggman

"_So take me back in tiiiime_," Eggman sung while reading comics.

"Dr. Eggman," said the main computer, "censors indicate that a goldfish is closer to world domination than you are."

"That can't be!" screamed Eggman. "How can a goldfish accomplish my dream before me?! I bet it didn't even graduate from Princeton."

"Neither did you," stated the main computer.

The main computer was soon dismantled.

"I'll show that fish who's the best around!" howled Eggman.

-At the dumpster behind McDonald's-

"Goldine! Goldine!" said Rachel. "Gossip scouts have reported that Dr. Eggman is on his way to fight you."

"That is a helpful piece of information," said Goldine. "Rachel, you may eat your cat behind the dumpster, and your gossip will not be spread."

"Yay!" said Rachel as she scurried to find a potential dinner in a nearby alleyway.

Goldine rolled her fishbowl to the White House and made the president come to her aid.

Within minutes, Eggman was captured, caged, and in front of Goldine.

"Hello, Eggman," said Goldine.

"You're the fish who's taking over the World through gossip!" cried Eggman. "How did you do it?"

"It's simple," said Goldine. "Everyone has secrets they don't want anyone to know about. Once you know their secret, you have a sort of power over them. You control them with the fear of their secret getting out."

"Ingenious," said Eggman. "I don't like you though."

"I figured that, since your primary intention was to beat me up."

"You're not eggcellent."

"Um, okay."

"Why keep me alive, Goldfish?"

"Gloating purposes."

"Oh."

"Tomorrow, I will have all the World's gossip in my grasp, then my transformation will occur. Then not even Sonic the Hedgehog will be able to stop me. Mwahahaha!"

"He might," said Eggman.

Goldine frowned at Eggman. "Fine, Mr. Pessimistic, 'he might.'"


	8. Is Something Going On?

-The Next Day-

Sonic was walking down the street and saw that everyone was staring at him and whispering things to each other.

("I hope they don't know about my Athlete's foot,") thought Sonic.

The answer was yes.

-- What Knuckles was doing at the time

-At McDonald's-

"Uh..." said Knuckles, trying to figure out the menu.

"Sir, you've been staring at the menu **for days**!" screamed the worker.

"McFish?" said Knuckles.

"So you want a McFish?"

"Are you the Master Emerald too?" questioned Knuckles.

The worker called the manager over, "Chuck, I think this animal needs to be put to sleep."

--

"It's time," said Goldine.

"Oh no!" screamed Eggman. "You're going to turn the whole world into a fishstick, aren't you!?"

Goldine absorbed so much gossip that she now powers up. She suddenly grew legs, feet, and monstrous arms. She also grew to the size of a skyscraper, and her body was covered with people's gossip for all eyes to see.

Rachel looked at Goldine's monstrous arm and saw the writing of 'Rachel: the true predator of Cats.'

"Goldine, I worked for you so you wouldn't tell others my secret!" Rachel yelled at the humongous Goldine.

Goldine looked down. "Your secrets, as well as everyone else's in the world, will be revealed to everyone. Nobody can stop the gossip!" bellowed Goldine.

-- What Sonic Team was doing at the time

-At Sonic Team Headquarters-

Crew Member B busted into the meeting room. "Head Director, sir, I have just videotaped a goldfish turning into a giant gossip thingy."

"Brilliant!" said the Head Director. "We won't have to hire CGI artists for the final boss transformation cutscene this time then."

"But what if our next Sonic game doesn't feature a goldfish monster as a villain?" said Crew Member A, "then we wouldn't need that footage."

The Head Director frowned.

"Wait wait wait!" said Crew Member C. "What if we make that footage _the_ next Sonic game completely?"

"Won't people be mad if they buy a Sonic game expecting a Sonic-filled blast but instead get a monstrous fish transformation scene?" asked Crew Member D.

"Won't people be mad if we hype up a Sonic game and then don't really finish it and rush it out," said Crew Member E, "so it's glitchy, slow, rewards nothing for getting all S ranks and is just plain boring to play besides the fact that '_sonic's in it_'...but Sonic Next-Gen got through." He smiled.

"You're right, Crew Member E!" declared the Head Director. "Laziness and conceitedness always wins! Put that footage in the video room, Crew Member B. ...Now all we have to do now is think of a name for this new Sonic game."

"How about 'Fishocolypse'?" suggested Crew Member F.

"Sure!" said the Head Director.

And so kids would open their presents on Christmas day to see 'Sonic Fishocolypse' awaiting them. The poor kids would be expecting a fun-filled Sonic game but would only see a fish gossip thing transforming.

Merry Christmas.

--

As Sonic walked down the street, he noticed that people everywhere were screaming, crying, and laughing at each other. The volume of this noise increased as Sonic neared the heart of the city. There Sonic heard shouts of

"Look at the fish's chest: You did cheat!"

"I pretend I'm a dog for cosplay fun only, seriously...Believe me!"

"I told you Betty was anorexic."

Sonic scratched his head and did nothing.

-Back to Goldine-

"The gossip is making me invincible!" said Goldine.

Eggman frowned. "Whenever I would be powered up, Sonic would quickly come and beat me up. What makes you so special? Hmph."

-Back to Sonic-

"I wonder if something bad is going on," said Sonic.

Sonic doesn't realize bad things are happening. Goldine's body could be seen around the entire world, and her body could also be read by those who didn't know English as well.

-In France-

"Ah ha! I knew you stole my recipe, Pierre."

-In Soviet Russia-

"So you don't really like Tetris, Lavotiski?"

-In McDonald's-

"So your twin brother was working your shift in November, eh, Ronald?!" yelled the angry manager.

Ronald made a sad clown face.

**-- WORLD CHAOS**

"This is Goldine speaking." Goldine's voice could be heard across the world. "I now know every gossip-worthy piece of information in the world...so I'm bored. I have decided to destroy the world and go to another planet where there's uncharted gossip." The voice faded.

"Something is definitely going on," said Sonic. He rushed to the direction of the voice.

--

"You're going to destroy the world?" said Eggman, still trapped in a cage.

"Yes," Goldine laughed. "And no one can stop me."

"I told you, Sonic might."

"He might not," said Goldine.

"I will," Sonic said with a smirk.

"Sonic!" said Goldine. "How's the Athlete's foot?"

"Oh, I feel the need for speed." Sonic ran far away.

Eggman gasped disappointingly. "I never thought Sonic could be defeated so easily."

"Now do you understand the power of gossip?!" bellowed Goldine.

Sonic ran back with 7 Chaos Emeralds in his arms. "What were you saying?"


	9. About Goldine: Entry III

Goldine can gossip fluently in any language. Even the language of no language.

So don't think you can escape her whispers by unlearning English.


	10. Super Sonic vs Super Fish

Sonic powered up and changed into Super Sonic.

"Oh yeah?!" said Goldine. "Knuckles!"

Knuckles ran up. "Yes, Master Emerald?"

"Give me the Master Emerald," commanded Goldine.

Knuckles complied and handed her the Master Emerald.

Knuckles still hadn't processed that he just handed over the Master Emerald to the Master Emerald.

Goldine took the emerald and swallowed it.

"Woah," gasped Knuckles, "the Master Emerald just ate the Master Emerald!"

Goldine glowed white and shrunk to the size of Super Sonic.

"She's devolving!" screamed a Pokemon fan.

When the white glow disappeared, Goldine was a human-size goldfish with a red cape. "You can call me 'Super Goldine.'" She smiled confidently.

"Boo," said Eggman. "Let's go with 'Super Fish.'"

"You can't beat me, Sonic," claimed Super Goldine. "Nobody can stop gossip." Super Goldine opened her mouth and shot out a black beam that hit Super Sonic.

Super Sonic fell to the ground holding his head. He was shaking ferociously.

"That's what I call my 'Gossip Beam,'" she snorted. "Now you will feel gossip at full force _for the rest of eternity_!"

Inside Super Sonic's head, there were millions of voices whispering things like

"I bet he uses gel to get his hair that way."

"Do you have _Super_ Athlete's foot now?"

"Super Shadow is cooler, because he can wield a gun."

"Hedgehogs don't talk. Your existence is a lie."

Goldine turned to Eggman. "You see, not even Sonic the Hedgehog can withstand gossip." She laughed.

"WRONG!" said Super Sonic as he rose off the ground.

Super Goldine's eyes looked in disbelief. "How can you stand?! Don't you hear all those people talking about you!?"

"So what?" smiled Super Sonic. "You think I'm going to break down because people are talking about me or know my secrets?"

"Yes!" shouted Super Goldine.

"Wrong again," corrected Super Sonic. "So what if people talk about me? Why would I care about people too bored with their own lives so they have to get into or talk about mine? They're the pathetic ones."

"I-I am not pathetic!" said Super Goldine as her temper rose. "I'm going to destroy you and this planet!" She charged forward at Super Sonic.

Super Sonic charged forward toward her, and they collided.

("I hope people still care about me,") thought Eggman.

Goldine exploded, and out popped the Master Emerald.

All the people of the world suddenly stopped gossiping so much and went back to being lazy and irritable.

The End.


	11. Closure

Outside Station Square in a lake, there was a goldfish that looked strangely familiar.

"Bwahaha," laughed Goldine. "You can never completely destroy gossip. I'll come back and gather another army. You'll see, Sonic!"

A silhouetted character with a question mark on its body appeared. "Hi," it said, "I'm going to be the new character in the next Sonic game."

Goldine gasped. "A new character whose information has yet to be revealed?! I have no data on it. What can I gossip about!" Goldine examined the character. "You have a cat tail! You're Blaze's cousin or something, right?!"

"It has not yet been confirmed," stated the silhouetted character.

"THAT'S NOT JUICY!!!!" cried Goldine, and with that, she turned to stone.

--

"And that's how I got my goldfish paperweight," declared the Head Director.

"Interesting..." said the Head Director's Mom.

"Then wait 'til you hear the story of how I got my tadpole-decorated mug! It all started when I created Ted the Tattle-telling Tadpole..."

The Very End.


End file.
